Relationships, Money, X’s – My GF owes money?

Deal Score0

Very long story…

I really love this woman. I have dated her for 2 years. She is athletic, smart and likes to do a lot of activities which I also enjoy doing like riding road bikes and mountain bikes as well as hiking.

After dating for about 18 months, our relationship seemed to have many up and downs. We broke up two times and got back. In December 09, we went on a day trip snowboarding(yes, she likes that too) At this point we were back together. The night before the snowboarding trip, she had used my computer to do farm ville and check her emails. The day went well. I went home that night and used my computer. I opened the email and found that her email was logged in. I could not resist not reading it once I saw that a few of the emails were from her ex-bf…

This woman had a child when she was 19 y/o by an abusive boyfriend. The bf did not stick around/she left. She later dated/lived with and eventually married what seems to have been her “first love”. They were together about 8 years and the marriage lasted about two of those. After her divorce, she bought out the ex husband from a house. Seems like she had to refinance her home in order to get cash to pay off ex.

At the time that she got divorced, she started dating her ex boyfriend. This person now seems to have been her second bf as a teenager (her ex hb was her first) What I have been able to gather is that this last boyfriend did not have a job or managed to borrow and not pay my gf money during the time he lived with her. Currently, there appears to be a balance of about 12k that he owes her.

Back to the snowboarding trip and emails, my gf and I had recently had some disagreements about her meeting an ex of mine because of a mutual friend’s party. In the emails that I saw, she was very openly communicating with her ex boyfriend about how bad of a person I was for bringing that up.

She openly denied about communicating with her ex then. She lied about having seeing him. She did not bring up that the ex owed her a lot of money or what her lifetime “friendship” or relationship meant.

Now, after the December and the emails and all that. I realized that I really love this girl and I want to stick with her. We talked about and came to the conclusion that we need to live together and I rented out my place and move to her place.

Since, I have found out her financial situation. She basically is maxed out on her mortgage and possibly may be able to get out of her house if needed to, with a dollar in pocket… She has a very high mortgage payment and a maxed out house line of credit. The amounts are over 500k (45k as line of credit and the rest in mortgage) for a house that is in poor condition that may not yield as much. She had a 44k balance on credit cards for which she sold a car and managed to pay off about 26k of that from the sale. So there is a balance still on credit cards of about 18k. The ex owes her about 12k and is paying $ 100 a month… which equals to about a minimum payment on a credit card.

I feel that before I marry this girl, she needs to get a handle on her finances and realize where she is at with them. I think she needs to go after her ex boyfriend to recoup some of that money he owes her.

Now, for the other part of the story. My gf still thinks of this ex boyfriend as a friend. I think he is still manipulating her into thinking that she needs him for something. What grown up man will use a woman to pay his rent and loan him money and meet “his needs” and walk away owing money to her? I think this is BS and she needs to understand that he is not her friend. This has been more a problem recently in that I really would like him to go away from the picture.

Comments welcomed…
Thanks for your responses. Leaving this woman is not going to be easy.

– I feel that I can’t trust her.
– If I walk out now, my financial damage is not that bad. She will be in a bad situation because she will soon run out of savings to pay her mortgage. It appears that she made decent money at some point (40k a year + commision), but after the recent layoffs, she had to get a job that pays maybe 40k with commision. To afford her mortgage & living, she has to use up her savings and charge more on credit cards.
– I feel as thought if the financial burden was not there, it would be so much easier to plan a life together.
– On top of the financial burden, there is the x situation to deal with. I read the socipath description and I see some resemblance… tragic.
Thanks for the responses. I am feeling pretty guilty about this situation. I should have definitely ran the other way in December. Why didn’t I? Am I a sucker!

I had another talk with her last night. Explained my issues about the ex and how he manipulated her. I feel as thought the sociopath description is pretty good so I offered that. She momentarily accepted that he was not a real friend and that she didn’t like to feel like a sucker.

The guy was in contact with her over email about being late for his $ 100 payment. She was brief on her email responses but did respond. She and I had previously agreed that she would still accept the payments and that eventually he would stop paying… but I didn’t agree that she would accept gifts or anything else from him…
My main issue now is that she even denies that he sent her an email.
I don’t like what I have become… paranoid and not trusting and prying. I justify by saying that is going to be my wallet..
Here is what I saw last;
Subj: April payment (April 6)
I have had a hell of a few weeks and I am dealing with so much BS I spaced the payment. If you need me to deposit directly into your account I can tomorrow and if I do not hear from you I will just mail it off as I have been.
Long story short, living with is not working out at all and if you want me to elaborate I will be more than happy to.

Subj: Re: April payment (April 7)
Hey ,
Thanks for the 411 – please mail the payment when you can. FYI – please don’t mail me anything other than payments…
Sorry to hear about ?!

Subj: Re: April payment (April 7) (From him to her)
Might I ask why I can not mail anything else? Just so I know, I thought you would enjoy the CD’s and such.
Subj: Re: April payment (April 7) (From her to him)
Subj: Re: April payment (April 7) (From him to her)
To be honest that is upsetting and hurtful, 20 years down the tubes. I would not take that from anybody…nobody has the right to butt into my past…it is mine and that is all we have when we are on our deathbed. But then again this is your future so I have to understand.
I personally feel If one can not be secure with me then I would not want them around…but that is me.
Thanks for understanding about the payment.
Subj: Re: April payment (April 7) (From her to him)
I know

Well, other than that the car is good, is good, the dog I am fostering is getting better and work is crazy busy…so I have some good things going on.
You take care and never, never hesitate to call if you are in a bind or just want to talk…I am your friend forever, regardless of the choices you have made with your new man and not being able to stay in touch.

  1. Reply
    May 17, 2011 at 12:00 am

    Dont be mad when I say this…Please.

    I would bet right now $ 1,000 she is still sleeping with him.

    She is a sucker. I know guys like that, and they sucker girls all the time to do shit.

    A girl with a past like that wouldnt even have a drink with me.

    TRUST ME! You marry this girl and your life will be misrable.

    Dont feel sorry for her because girls like that cant be trusted…

    Again, you marry her, you ruin your life…Walk away. She we ALWAYS love that other guy.

    I hate to say this…Just like how I used to sleep with my ex’s when they were seeing someone…She will too.

    Im sorry

  2. Reply
    May 17, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Sounds like he is a sociopath. He is very skilled at manipulation and making her feel sorry for him so she gives him money. Just google sociopath and look at the traits of what it is. I guarantee that he will fit many many many of those traits.

    On another note. This woman seems way too irresponsible to A. get married and B. move in with u. Don’t let ur impulsive feelings for her cloud your common sense. She will destroy your finances as she has done her own. On some level u have to think of marriage as starting a Business. (Bare with me, i know its really unromantic but seriously). Anyway think of it as starting a Business. Would u really start one with someone who owed money everywhere, had problematic past investors and was bankrupt. Because I think that is what she is… monetarily and emotionally bankrupt. She will leach off of u and drag u down to where she is. Not on purpose its just that she is irresponsible with her money and association with people. My opinion is that she needs to do some growing up and get her priorities straight. If she wants to be with u i really don’t hink that its too much to ask to cut ties with the ex, stop giving him money and start taking care of her own finances. Hope this helped.

  3. Reply
    May 17, 2011 at 12:59 am

    I had the same problem. My gf was owned alot of money from her douche-bag ex-bf. I didn’t give her an ultimatum to put the ex out of the picture but I offered many ways to deal with the scenario and I went as far as offering her money to pay up the credit card that she had given her ex to use because he had credits. Anyways, he seems like a sleeze-ball, right? Wrong, Now that I am sitting on my ass answering your question she is in Cuba with her ex.( she told me she is going on vacation alone!, YA RIGHT!) If you dont want to feel as dumb as I feel right now, no matter how much you think you love her, DUMP HER and save yourself alot of money and more importantly save your dignity and emotional well being!

  4. Reply
    May 17, 2011 at 1:31 am

    Holy crap. This doesn’t sound too good. She has a lingering relationship with an old lover that has leeched off of her. And just how in the hell can someone making 40K afford a 500K home? Impossible. Not unless she got 60K in commissions.

    If you ever marry you will be in the hole and end up owing. The ex is troubling to say the least. Then she lied about being in contact with him. She has far too much baggage. Maybe you want to hang around to see how it goes – you do care for her. But I would not marry or otherwise be too deeply invested in this relationship financially or emotionally.

    You seem like a really smart, nice guy. Funny I road and mountian bike and ski too! If you rock climb we’re totally alike!

    Sorry, you’re between a rock and a hard place. Just protect your heart and your wallet.

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