I guess we are all a little off in the head to give out such information to someone that is a recording?

Deal Score0

Dear Bank Manager
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $ 50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing repayment

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

“Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for”

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $ 20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $ 5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client

Written by a smart person.

7 Comments
  1. Reply
    teresa m
    May 1, 2011 at 2:47 am

    OK sounds like a bunch of legal mumble jumble to me but then most of that kind of stuff I have to take to my attorney to understand anyway and then he tells it to me in English. You are having that for dinner eh

  2. Reply
    Debbie's angel
    May 1, 2011 at 3:33 am

    That’s just normal jargon from the banks, they don’t care about the person just the profit margin 🙂

  3. Reply
    remoserjr107
    May 1, 2011 at 4:02 am

    I actually went to my bank, talked to a real person, and they were surprised to learn that they had merged with a larger California-based bank,
    And, they were dumbfounded when I asked if I could get money exchange for a trip abroad……!!

  4. Reply
    Ragdollfloozie is Pensive!
    May 1, 2011 at 4:44 am

    I like that you’ve quoted Woodie Guthrie.

    I also like that you’ve made this just as incomprehensible as most of the crap that banks and other institutions send out.

    We receive stuff like this from out banks and from our municipal government.

    We are specially blessed in that our city sends ours out in two languages and both are totally gobbledygook. We’ve requested this service and love that we have the right to demand to be confused in both french and english.

  5. Reply
    olga the b-!tch
    May 1, 2011 at 5:36 am

    i got through like half of that. i have a friend who has gone through that. i say that’s why the bank is so rich.they wait around till u make a tiny slip up like not having funds in the bank for only nanoseconds at a time. they don’t care about nanoseconds or a fraction of that. as long as it makes their volt space smaller then so be it. when will people realize that the bank is not helping you. it’s a business. i love the banks who push, “your family is our family” motto. yeah, this is true. if your dealing with the family members who rob us blind.

    sorry brandon this happend to you. sucks i know.

  6. Reply
    Kitty 2
    May 1, 2011 at 6:11 am

    That just plain old sucks.

  7. Reply
    deelell
    May 1, 2011 at 6:43 am

    HAHAHAHAAH
    I have just in the past week had to go to my bank because of funds being gone and check bouncing and not being paid for
    After an hour of going through every thing that I had to have changed over from my Husband passing and all it was terrible!!!!!!!!!
    I had a bounced check from the CVS Pharmacy from Nov.2009 that is still unpaid and now in collection and I owe 467 dollars on a 13 dollar check!!!
    There is always a few days that I may not Transfer funds from savings to checking but the money is always there and I write very few checks!!!!!!!!
    With all of that bull sh.t over this one check I took every penny I have from that bank that day and when I was walking away I told them to all go FU>K them self’s
    Boy that made me feel good!!!!!!!!!

    Leave a reply

    Register New Account
    Reset Password